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10 way to parent as a team!

  • Dr. Verna, LPC
  • Nov 13, 2015
  • 4 min read

When Parents Disagree: 10 Ways to Parent as a Team

At some point, most couples will argue over how to discipline their children. After all, you and your spouse are different people who will naturally approach parenting differently at times—or maybe more often than you’d like. Understand that some disagreement is to be expected. Marriages, after all, are unions between people from different family backgrounds and beliefs, which can easily lead to parental tensions. Rather than teaching your child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead becomes parent against parent.

Since we are not the same people, we will each have our own style of relating to our kids. You might be very talkative and like to chat while your spouse might be quieter and more reserved around your child. Both styles are okay. It’s the differences around parental decisions regarding a child that can be problematic. For example, let’s say you believe your child should be punished harshly for lying while your spouse feels that lying isn’t a big deal. As a result, you react differently and aren’t on the same page when it comes to consequences.

Here’s the truth: Children can sense when their parents aren’t in sync in their decisions around discipline. Your child will feel the lack of unity between you, which can create a feeling of instability for him. This will also give kids an opening; they will sometimes use it to provoke a fight. This gets your child off the hook and turns parent against parent.

Following these 10 simple guidelines can help you to avoid battles when it comes to raising your children.

1. Provide back-up. Make it a rule that if one parent disciplines the kids, the other parent must back them up, even if they do not agree. If you don’t do this, it will show your child that his parents are not a unified team and undermine your authority. Your child will see that he can get around any parenting decision you make.

2. Arrive in the same place. Find a way to arrive in the same place on how to proceed with your child. Be aware that your fights over how to raise your children are disturbing to your kids. Children don’t like to see their parents not getting along, and these battles can have long-term effects. Understand also that every time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from your child. Rather than teaching your child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead becomes parent against parent. Back one another up in the moment, even if you don’t fully agree.

3. Who feels most strongly about the issue at hand? If you and your spouse really are on different pages on something and neither person can get to the other side of the issue, then the parent who feels more passionately about it might make the call.

4. Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm. When calmly listening to one another’s perspective without being critical, you’ll have a better shot at influencing your spouse’s decision. Remember, there is no such thing as “One Truth” thinking. There are many ways to think about things, not just your way. When you can be respectful of that truth and make room for another person’s thoughts that are different than your own, you’ll have a chance of keeping your mate open to your ways of thinking, too.

5. Empathize with your child, but don’t throw your spouse under the bus. If your spouse feels more strongly about something and you’ve decided to go along with their decision, you can say to your child, “I know it’s hard for you when Mom won’t let you go on a sleepover. I see it bothers you because you feel you are ready for this independence.” You’re empathizing with your child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he’s understood and not so alone.

6. Get to know your spouse’s family history. Perhaps it’s difficult for you to understand your mate’s perspective on child rearing because it’s so different from your own, so you end up feeling critical of his way of thinking. I recommend that you get to know his family history and how deeply those beliefs are rooted. It may help you to see things more objectively and less personally, and you will then be able to respond with less judgment. Try to help each other see that safety issues, environmental concerns, and cultural norms change over time. What might have worked back when your spouse was a kid might not make sense now.

Related: Arguing over your defiant or acting-out child?

7. When parents fight, kids are off the hook. Sometimes kids will use the fact that you’re not on the same page to manipulate you. They might even set you up to fight with each other to get off the hook.

Related: How to parent calmly as a team.

10. Is it time for professional help? If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still not able to get on the same page with your mate, you may need some personal help in the form of a counselor. A good counselor will help you find ways to talk with each other rather than fight about every parenting issue that comes up and find out if there are other things getting you “stuck.”

Believe it or not, natural differences between spouses can be treated as strengths, not as causes for arguments. Differences can help us expand our own perspective and understand one another better.

 
 
 

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